People suffering from depression or anxiety can often achieve a surprisingly quick reduction in their problems if they adopt a better way of thinking. The first and most important step is to start asking better questions. The tendency to ask poor questions is not only widespread, but it also blocks personal and professional success and, over time, leads to unhappiness and illness. But how can you recognize the wrong questions, and even more importantly: Which questions truly help you move forward, and which ones only deepen your misery? This is exactly the “good” question we answer in this blog article.
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The quality of your questions determines the speed of your healing
No matter what’s currently bothering you—whether you feel inexplicably sad, frustrated with a low-paying job or an inconsiderate partner, have a nagging mother-in-law living with you, or feel troubled by the current political situation—emotional issues are almost always accompanied by questions we ask ourselves, such as:
- Will this ever end?
- Why do I feel so bad?
- Why does this always happen to me?
- What’s wrong with me?
- Have they all gone crazy?
- Where is this all leading?
Although these questions are completely legitimate, they primarily lead to psychological issues. This is because with each of these questions, your brain embarks on a desperate search for an answer. This activates a form of negative thinking that essentially operates like the Google search engine: it only answers the questions you ask.
Our brain works like a search engine
For example, if you think about the question, “What’s wrong with me?” you’ll only generate appropriate responses like, “You’re just too anxious; you’re in a depressive state; you’re too lazy to change anything in your life.” None of these responses are exactly confidence-boosting. “Why does this always happen to me?” has the same effect. Many answers emerge from your subconscious, and most of them are likely to be more frustrating than helpful. But if, instead, you enter into your internal search engine, “What can I do to enjoy life more?” then your brain will generate ideas for that as well.
You’ll Only Get Helpful Answers to Well-Formulated Questions
Tony Robbins, one of the most successful and highly paid coaches in the world, sums it up simply when he says, “Successful people ask better questions—and as a result, they get better answers.” But how can you recognize better questions? Simple—they provide solutions and reveal opportunities instead of identifying more problems. In particular, “why” questions are often unhelpful because they only lead to “because” answers. These “Because” answers either trigger anxiety or cause depressive feelings. Try it yourself: “Why am I feeling so bad today?” “Because you didn’t sleep enough, because you’re unhappy in your relationship, because your boss is an idiot, because, because, because…” Whatever “Because” answer your brain provides, it usually makes you feel worse. Other W-questions (Who, How, What, Whom, Which) often lead to better results. Try it:
- Who can help me feel better right now?
- How have others managed to get out of a similar situation?
- What can I do right now to improve my mood?
- Who do I know who always cheers me up or has good ideas?
- What techniques can quickly relieve anxiety?
- What helps most with depressive moods?
Do you notice how these questions immediately open up a new perspective? Usually, it doesn’t take long before the first solutions come to mind, which lead to more joy in life. By the way, the best answers often come with a slight delay, seemingly out of nowhere, for example, while you’re in the shower. That’s because you’ve given your brain a task, and it won’t stop searching for a solution until it finds one. And even if you’re currently so anxious or depressed that your brain seems unable to come up with effective answers to good questions, there’s help. In that case, simply enter your good questions into Google. You’ll be amazed at what you find.
Be aware that many depressive moods and even anxiety disorders are demonstrably triggered simply because the brain doesn’t stop looking for answers to bad questions. While good questions lead to solutions and opportunities, bad questions only yield answers that make you feel even more depressed or anxious.
Changing Negative Thinking Step by Step with Better Questions
What have you focused on the most recently? Do you have an idea or a question to set your inner search engine on today? How about one of these?
- What would my life look like if it were ideal?
- What is my most important goal?
- What could I do today to get one step closer to this goal?
- What skill could I develop to fundamentally improve my life?
- Are there books or online therapys that could help me?
A Single Good Question Can Lift You Out of a Low Point
One of my patients, who suffered from anxiety and depression for years due to work-related conflicts, told me some time ago that it was a single “good” question that ultimately helped him overcome his depressive state. When I asked him what that question was, he said, “As you know, I’m a math teacher. I’ve always been able to solve problems involving numbers, so I tried to frame my problem mathematically. I imagined that achieving my goal (finding a new job) was equivalent to 100% success. If I just focused on making 1% progress in my job search every day, I would reach my goal in 100 days. This turned the seemingly huge problem I’d struggled with for years into 100 small steps, and each day I asked myself, ‘What can I do today to make another 1% progress?’ Before, I used to torment myself with other questions: ‘Why do I feel so bad? Why did I end up at such a problematic school? Why isn’t my principal supporting me?’ Now I only ask myself, ‘What can I do today to improve my situation further?’ And as a result, I feel better than ever.”
Tough Times Make You Stronger
So, did the math teacher find a new job? Yes! And he didn’t even need 100 days. As hard as it may be to believe, his long sick leave was no obstacle for his new boss. Quite the opposite. His new boss had also experienced a severe burnout, so he understood that such difficult times, though very tough, can also make a person stronger. He explained to his surprised interviewee: “Anyone who has pulled themselves out of such a low has their character permanently strengthened positively. I could really use someone like that here!”
Practical Tip: Keep a Question Journal
A helpful exercise is to keep a question journal: collect at least three good questions every day. And please phrase these without negation, as you may know from the 10-Sentence Method described in my bestseller, “Overcoming Panic Attacks and Other Anxiety Disorders.” Phrasing without negation means avoiding words like no, none, or without and instead formulating a positive goal. Here’s an example. Rather than writing, “What can I do to live without anxiety?” it’s better to ask, “What can I do to live freely and courageously?” Believe it or not, simply phrasing it without negation makes your subconscious much more efficient in searching for solutions than it would be with negations.
The next time you start your day feeling low, grab your “Journal of Good Questions” in the morning and just read through all your questions one by one. This way, you won’t fall back into old, unhealthy thought patterns because you’ll immediately set your neurons on a positive search for solutions.
Troy A.
Tampa, Florida